by Leo on 2010-02-11
Bullet points from my art portfolio:
- Oil on canvas. Been there.
- Charcoal on plywood. Done that.
- Crayons on the wall. Deeply satisfying, but primitive.
- Urine on fresh snow. Seasonal, still perfecting my technique. Doesn’t leave much to imagination. Besides, being limited to just one color is boring. This coming winter I’ll start experimenting with drinking artificially colored beverages. In theory, a mixture of pineapple and grape Fanta should produce a nice emerald green shade.
- Finger on a dirty car? Oh, God, I can’t possibly imagine anything as ridiculously banal as “Wash me!”… No, wait, I take that back.? Totally forgot about people taking their pathetic pictures pretending they’re holding the Leaning Tower of Piza from crushing down. Say “Cheeeeesy”!
- Spray paint on Winky Dink, the neighbor’s cat! Please don’t ask. Misdemeanor…
Time to refresh, start a new trend, burn my name into the history of art forever.
This is my trigger-happy answer to anyone who has the nerve to question the multitude of my talents. Try rendering a perfect butterfly with six rounds out of Desert Eagle .44 Magnum.
Go ahead, take your best shot (pun not intended) and let me see you produce a masterpiece of this caliber. Two bad puns in one sentence… my new personal low. I’ll just drive to the range and shoot myself my self-portrait with AK-47.